The “New Supply”

It bothers me how we villainize the “New Supply” like our relationship problems with the narcissist are their fault. The fact is, at one point, each one of us was the “new supply.” The narc hasn’t changed their behavior, only victims.

I can see how the term “new supply” came about since it’s a reasonably accurate description. This new person feeds the narcs ego. But, it has morphed into a generalized term like “whore” when the girl we are referring to is only dating our ex but doesn’t actually sleep around.

Think back to when you first met your narc. You thought you had met a great person – possibly “your person.” They were terrific in every way. They’d talk about their ex and how terrible that person treated them. But you had no idea who your narc was and what they were capable of. You certainly weren’t responsible for why their relationship failed. Even if he was cheating on her with you, did you know? Did you do it to intentionally hurt her? Or did he tell you lies about her, and you wanted to be there for him?

That’s where the new girl is. I understand it’s hard to not be jealous if you’re still trauma bonded. Jealous – hurt – angry. I get it. But most of it is not her fault, just like it wasn’t your fault when you were new.

We need someone to blame – that’s human nature. We still love him, so it must be the girl’s fault. Or, we know that if we say derogatory things about him and that gets back to him, there will be consequences.

We often wonder why our ex seems so happy with the new person. Why didn’t he treat me that well? But, he did at the beginning of your own relationship with him, right? Everything was perfect. And that’s what you’re seeing now but from an outsider’s perspective. She seems to have the life you’ve been trying so hard to get back – the life you now think you’ve lost to her. But, narcs are very good at putting on a show for outsiders.

Remember the monster you saw at the end of your relationship? Those are his true colors. You know what goes on behind closed doors. You know what she is, or will soon, be going thru. Is that really the life you want back?

Once I realized this, I started to feel bad for her. She thought she met the man of her dreams…and she was wrong. I really wanted to reach out to her. She needed to be warned what she was getting herself and her kids into, right?

But, the more I thought about it, I realized that would only feed his ego. It would prove his point that I’m the crazy one; give him another story to spin to his fan club – I’m trying to break them up because I want him back. Plus, I thought to myself, maybe she’s just as abusive as he is and they are meant for each other. Either way, I don’t need any of that drama. I wanted him out of my life, not create a reason for him to contact me.

Instead, I wrote a letter to her. I put on paper everything my head and heart needed to say. Then, I burned it. It was such a great feeling to watch it burn; to release it from my soul and move on. I know I am so much better off without him, and she did me a favor by getting his attention off of me.

If you have to deal with them, still write the letter to her and burn it so you can get those feelings out of your head and heart. Then when you see them, your reasonable mind can be in control instead of your emotions. Don’t let yourself get sucked into the drama. You don’t have to explain yourself to either of them. Don’t give him information to use against you.

I know it’s hard to take the high road and be nice to her when she is not nice to you. But remind yourself of what he said about his ex to you. He’s saying those things about you now. That’s how it works – that’s his game. Pitting the ex against the new girl. He loves the attention and the drama. She feels sorry for him and wants to be there for him. Bonding over a common “enemy” is just one more layer of trauma bonding.

We all need a place to put our hurt, anger, and frustration. Find fault and blame. But it’s not the new girl in their lives. She’s a victim too, even if she doesn’t know it yet. The responsibility is his alone. His behavior was toxic before us, with us, and after us.

She is caught in his web of lies. She has no reason to doubt him…yet.

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A Note from the Author:

I am not a therapist or life coach, and I don’t pretend to be one on the internet. These blogs are my thoughts, perspective, and experiences based on my nine-year relationship with a malignant narcissist and my healing journey since leaving him.

The ideas suggested are simple for a reason. Trauma rewires the brain, and healing needs to start with simple, doable steps.   

It’s also not my intention to imply this is a gender-specific issue. My blogs are written from a woman’s perspective because I am one. Men suffer from emotional abuse too. I hope they can overlook the gender terms and adapt the content to be relevant to their own experience.

All my best to you,
TLD